Confessions of a Developer Trying to Care
The joys of performance review season. You might (if you’re me) be filled with dread and regret. I do know that some of this is my fault, I should be better pulling my weight at work.
Yet it’s also the process that causes me distress. Most companies have you rehearsing bullet points that you don’t believe in, presenting PowerPoint slides and pretending to be aligned on made up goals from way back in Q1.
The thing is I made a mistake. I’m not one to fish for compliments and I revealed to my manager that I want to do better next year. Like in a “this really doesn’t feel like senior-level impact” way.
The Manager Who Tapped Out
My manager helped me to pass probation, and I’m appreciative of that. I thought this was someone who maybe (just maybe, this is corporate life after all) grow and figure out the next steps I need to take to help our organization. I know I need to make more of an impact across the organization but I don’t really have any clue on how to do so.
Now my manager is within our agile team. I didn’t expect the response.
“I can only help with work inside the team”
That was it. Not “let’s explore that”, not “I’ll see what I can do”, just a firm boundary wrapped in a smile. We moved on like I hadn’t just opened up about feeling like a waste of a headcount.
Oh, I Shouldn’t Have Done This
I wasn’t asking her to solve anything. I was being open. Transparent. Vulnerable, even. The kind of thing HR trainings pretend they want you to be.
But I learned something in that moment. Vulnerability is only safe when the other person has a plan. If they don’t? You’ve just handed them a live grenade with no pin. Now I’ve got the fear that they will drop it and I’ll get caught up in the explosion.
I realized she wasn’t being evasive. She was being truthful. She didn’t know how to help and that’s potentially some real bad news for me.
Not because she didn’t care, but because no one had ever taught her how to help someone grow beyond their box.
There is no system. No map. No “next level” beyond your team’s backlog and Jira board. Growth, in this environment, is just… more of the same but with a heavier laptop.
Keep the Mask On
So here’s my new rule. Never be honest in a performance review. I need to say what I’m expected to, and lean in. By that I mean say I learned a lot. I’m excited for more. My vision aligns precisely with the company’s goals and I’m so HAPPY (always happy).
I can save the truth for this blog. Some say Slack DMs are safe, but they never truly are as your colleagues are not your friends.
As is always the case if you admit a weakness the corporation will assume you’re broken. If you do that you’re in danger, and you should never put your future in the hands of anyone else.
About The Author
Professional Software Developer “The Secret Developer” can be found on Twitter @TheSDeveloper and regularly publishes articles through Medium.com
The performance review process is never going to care, is it?