I Always Wanted to Want to Get Fired
Photo by Igor Omilaev on Unsplash
Some developers dream about being promoted. They dream about the money, the responsibility and knowing stuff.
Yet I think I’ve passed through that stage. I’m stopping thinking “How do I get promoted?” and instead I’m thinking about “What’s the fastest way out of here?”.
I’ve recently gone further with my thoughts. I’ve started fantasizing about what could be.
This week it’s been that unsaid thing. What if I just got fired. I don’t mean laid off, redundant or resign. Good old fashioned fired.
I wouldn’t need to think about the best day to quit, I wouldn’t need to ask my manager what loose ends to tie up and I’d be whisked home in the middle of a workday.
Just… gone.
The Fantasy
Look. This is a bit of fun. The fantasy of being fired is fun indeed, and would open the idea that I could create software on my own without a designer and product manager breathing down my neck. Because with AI helping me out that’s rather easier (even in fantasy form) than it ever promised to be in the past.
In the fantasy, getting fired is almost… fun.
You imagine doing something mildly rebellious:
Browsing questionable websites on the company laptop
Ignoring standups entirely
Pushing code with comments like “this probably works”
Replying “no” in code reviews without explanation
You picture HR calling you into a room.
They slide a document across the table.
You nod, trying not to smile too much.
You walk out like a movie character who just quit a job in dramatic fashion, except you didn’t even have to quit.
It’s clean. It’s decisive. It’s liberating.
How It’s Done
Want to get fired? Here are some classics you might like to try, that I’ve actually seen play out in software development teams. This isn’t a list of how to watch Netflix (or porn) at work, although come to think of it I’ve seen that happen in professional settings.
Nope. Let’s do the more sensible version of this list.
Become a Code Review Maximalist
Want to get fired? Start leaving incredibly detailed code reviews.
Not useful ones. Petty ones.
“Can we alphabetize these imports?”
“I think this variable name could be 2% clearer”
“This blank line feels… unnecessary”
Ignore the actual functionality. Focus on the trivial, and although you’ll find less trivialities you can complain about in the age of AI PRs I’m sure you’ll find some. You might even be able to complain about the PR because it takes your rubbish old code as context and regurgitates your sloppy code, what a great thing to complain about!
Now when you start doing this nobody will mind. But over time you will become the person everyone avoids. Perhaps not fired, but it will be part of a package that will help you to be fired. Which, depending on your goals, might be close enough.
Reply Slowly… Very Slowly
Some messages require a simple yes, no more and no less. Yet when you answer quickly a fast follow might be another question that should require more investigation (or at least typing the question into a new Claude tab).
So make them wait until the next day. They’ll know that you’re important and working on some essential work which makes them less likely to ask you more questions. If you want to make this work better for you, respond instantly to unimportant messages and ignore the critical ones.
I’ve seen developers take hours to answer basic questions while being “available” all day (doing what? Nobody ever knows!).
It’s an intense art form.
Will it make everyone quietly lose their mind?
Absolutely.
Job done.
I’ll Do It Tomorrow
Nothing says “future unemployment” like
“Let’s pick this up tomorrow”
Timing and intensity is everything though. Make this bold statement at 4:31 and it takes on the powerful meaning. It’s even better if the fix takes 10 minutes, and you’ve done nothing all day.
If you’re a pro you might want to “tomorrow” to actually be “next sprint”.
Attend Meetings Like a Ghost
This is my favorite. You definitely turn up.
Yet to make the meeting work better for you simply use the holy trilogy of camera off, mic off and soul off.
If you’re asked anything you need to remember your cheat code.
“Sorry, what was the question?”
Also hold in reserve taking every other idea as if it’s your own by repeating it verbatim. It all works great if you’re in a large team where nobody is paying attention anyway,
I guess the people I’ve seen use this were not fired, and were promoted instead.
Perhaps I should scrub this one from the list, editor?
Work From Home
Now the full emphasis is on from home.
With some practice you’ll be able to
Log in
Do the bare minimum
Structure your day around literally anything else
I’ve worked with people who stayed in jobs purely because it fit their lifestyle, not because they cared about the work.
Sure they weren’t fired.
They just… existed and faded into the background.
A Secret Second Job (Not Even That Secret)
Why have one job when you can do two badly?
Take calls during work hours. Miss meetings. Deliver late.
I’ve seen this happen in real life, and honestly, I was almost impressed.
The twist?
Still not fired.
Overestimate Everything
“That’ll take three weeks”
For something that clearly takes a day.
Then deliver it late anyway, because it required “a major refactor” before you touched the code (that involved creating a single test file in the project.
The whole agile setup protects you, since nobody is tracking anything properly in any case. Just continue explaining to people that your work is so complex that it simply can’t be done in a reasonable time frame.
You’re basically untouchable.
The Realization
None of these actually get you fired.
At least in my experience, where I’ve seen many people display these behaviors and never get fired.
If you’ve worked with people like this too, well I guess at least I’m not alone. If you’ve read this and thought that you might be doing some of this, I’ve got bad news.
You probably won’t get fired. You’ll probably just end up comfortably mediocre instead.
Which, in this industry, is apparently a permanent position. Congratulations. Take the bonus, and run.
The Reality Check
It’s surprisingly hard to get fired. I’ve seen so many people try to do it (intentionally or not!) and fail to.
One colleague who stopped going to standups managed it. They refused to go to any meetings, and pretty soon they had to find another job to go to.
Oh and that one colleague effectively had a second job during working hours and still wasn’t fired.
I’m thinking the reason is that firing someone requires:
Documentation
HR involvement
Managerial backbone (rare)
Time and effort (even rarer)
It’s far easier for a company to just… tolerate you. Wait for you to leave.
So your grand plan to get fired?
It probably turns into you being that person everyone complains about in private while nothing actually happens.
But that kind of goes the same for you (doesn’t it?) Wanting to be fired isn’t about rebellion. It’s about avoidance.
You don’t want to:
Have the resignation conversation
Risk the unknown
Give up the paycheck
Admit the job isn’t working
So you outsource the decision.
If only it worked.
Welcome to the world of quiet quitting. The system encouraged it through atrophy and now we are all tied up in the same world of failure and a depressing inability to get anything truly done.
You know what?
If you want out, just leave.
I know. Revolutionary.
But seriously:
Update your resume
Start interviewing
Take control
Because here’s the thing…
You don’t actually want to be fired.
You want:
Change
Control
Relief
Getting fired just feels like the easiest shortcut to all three.
It isn’t.
About The Author
Professional Software Developer “The Secret Developer” can be found on Twitter @TheSDeveloper and regularly publishes articles through Medium.com
Sometimes the easiest way out is just… the way out of the door.