I’m Not Ignoring You, I’m Just Terrified of You
Earlier this year, I passed probation. After it was extended. That’s like getting a gold star for failing a class twice but promising to hand in your homework “next time.” My manager’s feedback was brutal but enlightening in that kind of “crisis of identity” way:
I ask for help with the wrong things.
I’m not performing at the expected level.
I don’t listen to advice.
If I were a startup, I’d be pivoting hard right about now. Yet I’m not, I’m just a poorly performing developer.
The Over-Friendly Trap
Since then, whenever I see the principal engineer, I try to act extra-friendly. It’s not just polite — it’s damage control. If I’m nice enough, maybe they won’t remember I don’t meet expectations?
Smiles. Small talk. A joke here, a comment there. You’d think I was angling for a promotion. I’m not. I’m just trying to avoid being fired.
But I no longer ask questions. Because here’s the problem: asking for help tells people you don’t know what you’re doing. And if they already think you don’t know what you’re doing, asking for help just confirms it.
Eating Alone Feels Safer
One day, the principal and the adjacent engineers went to lunch. I wasn’t invited — except I kind of was. One of them said, “Hey, you coming?” but you could tell it was obligatory. Like when someone holds the elevator door just a little too long and then says, “Sorry, going up!” as it closes in your face.
So I stayed behind.
Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was social self-preservation. Either way, I figured it was better to eat alone than to sit in silence at a table full of people who already wrote me off.
After Work Is for Writing, Not Drinking
When the others go out after work, I go home. It’s not like anyone invites me. And before you say, “Maybe you should go anyway!” — trust me, being the awkward add-on to a team drink is not a vibe I’m looking to explore.
Instead, I write this blog. Because it’s better to be ignored on the internet by strangers than to be ignored at a bar by your colleagues.
I’m Not Doing Anything Wrong…Right?
Sometimes I wonder if I’m overthinking all this. But I’m friendly. I get my work done. I don’t crash production (recently). I stay out of people’s way. I don’t demand too much attention.
But maybe that’s the problem. In this industry, silence reads like incompetence. Humility reads like weakness. Asking questions looks like a lack of knowledge — and not asking questions? That just makes you aloof.
It’s Schrödinger’s Developer: both too quiet and too disruptive until someone opens Slack and checks your code.
Conclusion
We say we value collaboration, then punish people for not magically understanding everything. We talk about psychological safety and then hand out performance reviews that read like eulogies.
I know I’m not the only one navigating this bizarre corporate limbo. The only difference is I’m writing it down.
About The Author
Professional Software Developer “The Secret Developer” can be found on Twitter @TheSDeveloper.
The Secret Developer terrifies nobody, apart from those with an adversion to losers.