My Job Cares Less About Me Than Walmart

Nothing quite says “Welcome to the team” like… a locked laptop and a link to an onboarding checklist that nobody checks.

When I joined my current company, I imagined I’d be showed with branded T-shirts, hats and coffee mugs with inspirational quotes. What actually happened was I got a desk with no access to natural daylight, a “hi” Slack message with wavy hands and managed machine that can auto-update at its own whim.

In comparison a new supermarket opened on my side of town. They gave me a reusable tote bag, two pens, a coupon for $5 off cheese. Money off cheese is always welcome, and in contrast at work I need to pay full retail for our software service (that I work on).

No Dignity

You know what’s in a tech welcome pack these days? Confusion.

Let me paint the picture. Each time I start a new job I show up on my first day. Early (a bad habit that unfortunately sticks).

At my last job they didn’t have my laptop ready. Instead, I was told to “hang tight in the lobby” while someone from IT finished whatever side quest they were on. I couldn’t get access the building before missing some onboarding sessions. Don’t worry thought, as is always the case with onboarding sessions nobody noticed and it was not rearranged, no consequence and no follow-up.

Which wasn’t quite true for the time I lost setting up my dev environment. I couldn’t access any documentation, the project, or even the dang Wi-Fi. My first team meeting was a Zoom call I couldn’t join. I missed the bit where they introduced me. I don’t think anyone knows I work here. The IT Support guy muttered something about profiles but never really got to the heart of what had gone wrong. Don’t worry thought, I’ll get the repo to build in my own time.

So the lack of welcome gift if these circumstances aren’t unexpected. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Does This Matter?

I don’t want to get ripped apart in the comments (even though some things are inevitable). So I want you all to know that I don’t expect trinkets and stickers when I start a new job. I’ve previously worked for boring businesses where I actually wouldn’t want to get branded merch and wear out into a dollar store.

Yet it still matters. Tech companies have stopped pretending to care. They’ve not run out of beanbags, but the contents of the chair are a little depressing these days. We’ve filled our office with spreadsheets, Slack messages, and misconfigured Jira boards now. That’s not good for anyone when it comes does to giving people “passion” for thier work.

The time that even mediocre tech companies would present you with a hoodie, keyring and water bottle are past. Today, you’re lucky if you get a working charger. If it’s working it’s usually for the wrong laptop.

I suppose at least we have jobs. I suppose I should suffix this with “right now”.

It’s Not Just About the Swag

Here’s the thing. Merch isn’t just merch. It’s a signal. Much like flowers on a date, it says “we thought about you, and we care”. I know what you’re thinking, but it really does mean someone though about staff and put some effort and some funding into morale and people.

Some acknowledgment is better than none at all.

Isn’t it time we put those branding bods with UX skills to work in something that actually matters?

It feels like my local supermarket actually had better onboarding than most of my roles. Because they showed up, not like in my HR welcome and onboarding.

But that’s a story for another day.

About The Author

Professional Software Developer “The Secret Developer” can be found on Twitter @TheSDeveloper.

The Secret Developer doesn’t actually like Walmart.