Why Jeff Bezos’ Rocket Looks Like That

The tech billionaires are an interesting lot. Unlimited money, power that means you can run a government and still you decide to behave in a way that would get the average citizen institutionalized.

So, I think the time has come to address the shape of the Jeff Bezos Rocket. I’m going to say it. Every time I see it I am instantly reminded of human anatomy. Specifically, the male kind.

Every time the rocket is propelled into space, it looks suspiciously like the world’s most over engineered… compensation device. 

Yet this isn’t a YouTube takedown piece. I’m not going to project a Freud essay onto Jeff’s billionaire plaything and instead think like an engineer.

The “New Shepard Rocket” looks like that for sensible reasons. The bulbous capsule? That’s for the humans. The larger top increases stability on the descent and keeps everyone from tumbling through the stratosphere like it’s a poorly built theme park ride. That mushroom-like capsule isn’t a flex, it’s just what happens when you design for passenger comfort and safety. Which is nice and explains the *ahem* head of the ship.

What about the rest?

The skinny booster shaft underneath? The New Shepard is only going to the Kármán line and a slim design reduces drag and saves fuel. It’s not designed for an ISS rendezvous or a jaunt to Mars. It’s the Prius of space tourism and should be celebrated for its anti-fashion look and economic decisions.

Come on!

We should be honest about this. The designers of Blue Origin must have known there would be sniggers in the back. 

Other rockets don’t look like they belong in a NSFW Reddit thread, but that might well be the point. The design was chosen after 100 configurations were tested and it turns out this is just a case of form following function. It’s a sightseeing bus crammed into a rocket and is all the better for it. It’s just a shame they didn’t run it past a 13-year-old for a vibe check.

Conclusion

The question is whether Jeff Bezos is compensating for something.

I can declare that he is. Clearly. Absolutely. For gravity. And that’s a hard thing to argue with.

Don’t laugh at the back. Hard is the right word. I said stop laughing. I don’t even want to hear a titter.