Open to Work (Emotionally Unavailable)
Image: ChatGPT/TSD
After years of hiding my incompetence, I’ve decided I dislike my current employer so much that I need to find a new opportunity. I promise that it is my decision, I just wanted to go.
As a result, I’m looking for a remote-only role as a Senior Software Developer who leans heavily on AI to do even the most simple of tasks. I’ll consider a mid-level position to get some money in, but if that’s the case I probably won’t stay for longer than six months.
What I bring to your team
Survivor I’m not a very good developer. I ask AI multiple questions about pretty much everything. I got put on extended probation, and (somehow) made it out the other side. In meetings I can nod convincingly while wondering what sprint we’re in.
📜 Documentation Advocate I fight for truth, justice, and removing comments that say // returns true if true.
🔄 Merge Conflict Mediator I resolve conflicts both in Git and in Slack passive-aggressive threads. Wait, that’s not right. I’m the passive-aggressive one.
🔄 Adaptability I’ve onboarded myself at multiple companies. I say each time that my new colleagues are “really great”.
Career highlights
• Shipped a feature no one used. It caused an incident, but I made it look like it wasn’t my fault so I think that is ok?
• Helped onboard new engineers by explaining how to tailgate into the office, something I learnt to do when working at a major bank.
• Participated in 8 rounds of interviews with a company that ghosted me and gave me a KitKat.
• Survived multiple layoffs. Was eventually caught up in one, but then managed to get another better job.
My goal? Survive Q1.
If your company values honesty, humor, and someone who has zero interest in climbing the corporate ladder but will fix your flaky tests, we might be a match.
DM me. Or don’t. Definitely don’t phone me, I don’t answer phone calls (I mean, who does?).
In fact I think I’d rather you ghost me rather than phone me. I won’t take it personally. Actually, that’s a lie because I always take these things personally.
About The Author
Professional Software Developer “The Secret Developer” can be found on Twitter @TheSDeveloper and regularly publishes articles through Medium.com
The Secret Developer doesn’t like LinkedIn. Can you tell?