Open to Work (Emotionally Unavailable)
Image: TSD/ChatGPT
After years of hiding my incompetence, I’ve decided I dislike my current employer so much that I need to find a new opportunity. I promise that it is my decision, I just wanted to go. Now I’m🚨 Open to New Opportunities 🚨.
As a result, I’m looking for a remote-only role as a Senior Software Developer who leans heavily on AI to do even the simplest of tasks. I’ll consider a mid-level position to get some money in, but if that’s the case I probably won’t stay for longer than six months.
What I bring to your team
I’m a Survivor. The truth is that I’m not a very good developer. I ask AI multiple questions about pretty much everything. I got put on extended probation, and (somehow) made it out the other side. In meetings I can nod convincingly while wondering what sprint we’re in.
📜 Documentation Advocate. I fight for truth, justice, and removing comments that say // returns true if true.
🔄 Merge Conflict Mediator. I resolve conflicts both in Git and in Slack passive-aggressive threads. Wait, that’s not right. I’m the passive-aggressive one, but will put that label on other people given half the chance.
🔄 Adaptability. I’ve onboarded myself at multiple companies. I say each time that my new colleagues are “really great”.
Career highlights
Shipped a feature no one used. It caused an incident, but I made it look like it wasn’t my fault so I think that is ok?
Helped onboard new engineers by explaining how to tailgate into the office, something I learnt to do when working at a major bank
Participated in 8 rounds of interviews with a company that ghosted me and gave me a KitKat
Survived multiple layoffs. Was eventually caught up in one, but then managed to get another better job
Goals
Survive Q1.
Wrapping up
If your company values honesty, humor, and someone who has zero interest in climbing the corporate ladder but will fix your flaky tests, we might be a match.
DM me. Or don’t. Definitely don’t phone me, I don’t answer phone calls (I mean, who does?).
In fact, I think I’d rather you ghost me rather than phone me. I won’t take it personally. Actually, that’s a lie because I always take these things personally.
About The Author
Professional Software Developer “The Secret Developer” can be found on Twitter @TheSDeveloper and regularly publishes articles through Medium.com
The Secret Developer is thinking about deleting their LinkedIn account.