The Secret Developer’s 2026 Résumé
Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash
Hello! I’m The Secret Developer and I’m looking for a position where I can escape the humdrum life of an under-utilised software developer. Of course I do not know how to behave in an environment where I’m not under-utilised but let’s not let that worry us.
If this all fails I’ll need to go back to my current employer and explain my non-delivery. I think I’ll blame it on the designer joining a yoga retreat in Bali. So at least I’m in a good position with a job to go back to, don’t you think?
Anyway, I bring to every team a sense of quiet dread and a folder of memes about Jira. I’m not here to change the world. I’m here to survive Q1. I daren’t dream about H1.
Skills
Agile I attend daily stand-ups where I can make it look like I’m performing even when I clearly am not. I’ve got one anecdote about living abroad that I can use in a retro ice-breaker, and if you employ me you’ll become very familiar with that particular story.
Mentoring I can explain logic to a junior colleague staring at TikTok, with only minor weeping on all of our parts.
Documentation I’ve a strong opinion on writing code comments that say “this returns true if true”.
Git Expert in resolving merge conflicts caused by 3 devs working on different time zones and 1 who’s just missing.
Sleep Deprivation Capable of operating at 3AM on willpower and leftover Red Bull.
Work Experience
Current:
💼 Second-tier tech company. Senior Developer
2024 — Present
Struggled to pass probation
Made very little impact on anything at all
Enjoyed the free food
💼 Fintech
2019–2024 (laid off)
Reviewed 5+ pull requests per day. Had 0 reciprocated. Considered sending a Valentine’s Day card to get one approved .
Successfully deployed a feature nobody asked for, used, or understood. It later caused an incident in production.
Developed code for a feature that was immediately cancelled because “revenue positive” became the company’s new buzzword.
Participated in daily “Agile” ceremonies with 20 others. Nobody knew what anyone else did. I didn’t know what I did either?
Accomplishments
Once stayed up for 36 hours straight to submit apps for a $100 bounty. Got 20 approved. Quality… not included.
Survived 8 rounds of interviews at a company that forgot they invited me. Did not get the job. Did get a KitKat.
Helped onboard new engineers by explaining how to tailgate into the office building.
Avoided being fired
Failed to avoid being laid off
Soft Skills
Communication Adept at Slack messages that get ignored until the ticket’s overdue.
Teamwork Supported multiple colleagues working two jobs by covering for their total absence.
Adaptability Never received any training, yet still deliver as per expectations.
The University of Stack Overflow
Majored in: “Why doesn’t this compile?”
Minored in: “I swear I tested that”
References
The contractor who hasn’t spoken in a meeting since 2022
About The Author
Professional Software Developer “The Secret Developer” can be found on Twitter @TheSDeveloper and regularly publishes articles through Medium.com
The Secret Developer once wrote out comments for their print logging.